BPM Inflation Forces Pioneer To Install Speed Bumps On CDJs

After what experts are calling “a dangerous speed creep in dance music BPM's” Pioneer DJ has announced it will be adding speed bumps to all future CDJ models in an effort to slow dance music back down to a tempo that doesn't scare children.

The move comes after multiple house tracks were reportedly clocked at over 300 BPM, a speed previously reserved for fighter jets and panic attacks.

The new speed bumps, embedded directly into the CDJ jog wheel area, are designed to interrupt DJs mid-performance if the tempo exceeds what Pioneer describes as “a respectable pace.” When triggered, the bumps cause the music to skip and the DJ to be vaulted skyward. It also has the added social pressure of making people look at the DJ in disgust.

“Oh buggering hell,” reported several crowds in unison during early trials.

According to Pioneer, the bumps have already proven effective. In one test, a DJ who ignored the clearly visible “DO NOT STAND ON THE TABLES” sign was launched cleanly out the venue via the roof.

“The crowd went absolutely wild,” said a Pioneer spokesperson. “Unfortunately, the DJ was unharmed, which we do regret.”

Dub techno and dubstep DJs will be exempt from the system, as their sets reportedly move at a pace “similar to evolution.” However, Pioneer confirmed that DNB may be heavily effected.

One affected DJ expressed frustration.

“When I first heard bumps I got excited but it quickly turned to dread. Look, I play hard techno,” he said. “I can admit that. I’m genuinely considering getting into chuggers now, like Gesaffelstein vibes. I guess if I still want to make music that scares little children, that’s my only option.”

Pioneer released a short statement saying, “We’re sorry to trance and everyone else, but it’s just been getting too trancey lately".