People who move next to venues then complain about noise to be hurtled into space, government reveals

The government has unveiled a bold new strategy to tackle ongoing complaints from residents who move next to established music venues and then immediately report them for noise.

Under the proposed scheme, offenders will be “swiftly and efficiently launched into space,” in what officials describe as a “costing billions of pounds.”

A spokesperson said, “This has been a persistent issue for small venues. People knowingly move next door to somewhere that has been hosting loud music since 1998, then act completely shocked when there is loud music. The gits.”

The new policy aims to protect grassroots venues by removing the problem at its source, specifically by removing the person and placing them violently into space.

Early prototypes of the “Resident Relocation System” reportedly involve a large circular hypersonic glide catapult, though engineers are also exploring more sustainable options like hot air balloon powered by the hot air emitted from the mouth of the complainant.

One venue owner welcomed the news, saying, “Finally, some support. We’ve tried soundproofing, negotiations, even just asking nicely. Turns out what we needed this whole time was space launch capability.”

Residents affected by the policy have described it as “a bit extreme,” though officials insist it is “proportionate, if you’ve ever been to a council licensing meeting.”

The scheme is expected to roll out later this year, pending weather conditions and orbital clearance.